“In response to the question, ‘I feel I would like to be contacted by my child when she reaches adulthood’ both mother and father answered ‘Yes’ to this question.”
These are the words that are at the very bottom of my adoption papers, underneath all of the basic physical characteristics and hobbies. Under the title: Placement Plans. One word that won’t let me forget. Won’t let me move on.
One thing that may be somewhat unique to my story is that both my birth mother and father were involved in my adoption placement plans. It wasn’t a story of a man unwilling to commit and running off in the wind, leaving my birth mother with no other choice. They were in it together. I’ve honestly never thought deeper into this until right now as I write. Perhaps he was also there when I was born. Holding her hand. Comforting her. Convincing her (and himself) that this was the right choice; for them, for me. Or maybe it was the other way around.
The Placement Plans category also gave me a why statement from my birth mother: “I wanted to finish my schooling before marriage and a family.”
I wonder what happened to them after I was placed for adoption? Were they a fling that went their separate ways? Maybe they stayed together and eventually got married.
For as many answers, there are twice as many more questions. The word “Yes” keeps me coming back, even when I feel like I may never search. These last weeks of writing about my experiences have been very healing for me. People ask all the time if I know, if I’ve ever searched. It’s easy to say no, to try to move on, to forget. I didn’t want to think about it or make a decision. If I never look, there is no risk of being hurt. Or hurting anyone.
But that “Yes” reminds me that it isn’t all about me. Sometimes I justify not searching because I have my information on a webpage and if they just did a google search they could find me. But maybe they are leaving it in my hands. They already said “Yes”- now it’s up to me.