On Adoption: Parenting as an Adoptee


There was never a doubt in my mind that someday I wanted to be a mom. I have always loved children and spent many years babysitting and working with children at church and summer camp. At 21, I married my husband and a few years later we knew we were ready to begin our family. It was when I was pregnant with my first daughter that I fully realized the gravity of what my mother experienced through her pregnancy and relinquishment of me. When I held my newborn daughter, it was the first time I had ever seen a person who was related to me by blood. People-especially in the adoption community-emphasize the importance of love over blood in creating a family. While certainly love is important, blood matters too and this moment was significant to me. As she grew she began to look like me, and I could see so much of myself in her little personality.

Now I have two children and another one on the way. I love my children with every part of my being. But it wasn’t until after I reunited with my mother that I realized I was missing an important piece-an understanding of the bond of mother and child. My children are very much bonded and attached to me…to the point where it often felt needy and overwhelming. I could not grasp it all-I had never felt this way about my adopted mother and so I didn’t understand the need my children had………until I met my birth mother. Suddenly, I understood this powerful bond, this need to communicate and be near her- much like my children acted towards me. I realized that I must not take this for granted in my children. So I snuggle them a little longer, listen carefully to the things they want to tell me, answer all their questions because I finally get it. And I don’t want to miss a thing. I know how quickly they will be grown and gone and I will never retrieve those moments again. Just like I can never retrieve the moments I missed with my mother.



  1. My mom is an adoptee who raised an adoptee. She was not there for me, because she refused to acknowledge her own pain. A long time ago as a child, a man would call my grandparent’s house. He said he was a relative. When my grandparents found out, my mom got her first ever spanking. Even though my grandparents are dead, my mom carries that baggage. She buries her pain and does not express an interest in her birth family. However, she clearly had one. If not, she would not have spoken to that man on the phone all those years ago. Because of her adoptee issues, she was not the mom I needed.


    1. I’m sorry that your mother was never able to overcome and be what you both needed and deserved. That must be so very painful.

      It shows me that healing is the right journey for me- I know it’s making me a better mother, wife, daughter, and friend.

      Thanks for sharing

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes! I felt the same way as I had my children. Now at 48 I am reunited with my birth mom and I can’t seem to get enough of her. We email/text almost everyday. I tell her I don’t want to be needy. She says she missed the first 48 years, she has time for me to be needy.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Writing brings healing and comments like this bring me joy. to know I am not alone. I’m glad you are connected with your birth mom. I am in daily contact with mine as well. Thanks so much for sharing!!!!


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