birth mother

On Adoption: My Narrow and Limited Fate

38ce1c058a1c8e67e3499c12533f61abAs an adoptee the world has generally left me with two fates: abortion or adoption. Dead or “unwanted.”

My self-worth does not benefit from either of these choices.

Turns out they weren’t the only choices. Because they are not opposites. They are not either or.

My other fate: being raised by my mother. Not too many want to give me that option.

Not too many want to give young single women or women in poverty that option.

Not too many want to understand the pain and loss in adoption.

I just want the world to see there are more choices.

I just want the world to stop thinking separating mother and child has no consequences.

I just want the world to stop telling adoptees be glad you aren’t dead.

I just want the world to know that abortion was never my fate. ever. so stop asking me to be grateful I’m alive.

I already am-but not because I was adopted instead of aborted.

I’m grateful because-shouldn’t we all be?

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anyone who thinks adoption is “easy” clearly has no experience

On Adoption:  The Unnecessary Barriers to Search & Reunion

I grew up knowing I was adopted. I grew up knowing that when I turned 18 I could search for my birth parents. What I didn’t know, is that adoption laws and agency practice in my state would leave me feeling like a second class citizen. Living in the dark, I literally thought I would call the agency that handled my adoption and they would turn over information that rightly belonged to me; especially since the agency had documented that both of my parents said that they would like contact from me when I reached adulthood.   I was completely wrong.

  1. Seeking out information can be Intimidating

Before I turned 18, I always talked about searching as soon as I could. By the time I was 20, I finally mustered up enough courage to call the adoption agency and get my information. They made the mistake of putting me on hold and I quickly hung up; it would be another 12 years before I called them again. When I did, I had someone coaching me on what questions to ask. I had to have deliberate questions because they were not just giving out the information they knew I was looking for. They immediately asked me if I was an adoptee, birth parent, or adopted parent: I wondered if this changed the way they interacted with me.  There were forms to fill out, and fees to be collected. I never even knew that I could’ve had my name on file all these years so that if my mother tried to search for me they could give her my contact info. No one told me anything.  

Now adoption is mostly open, but for children in closed adoptions, I believe when the child turns 18 they should receive a packet in the mail with their non-identifying information and steps explaining the search process. This is precisely what the UK does and I think the country is still standing. They should also offer suggestions for material to prepare for reunion and counseling if desired, but not required like some states. The adopted person could then choose to search or not, but at least it’s in their hands, literally!

  1. Search is costly with no guarantee

Not only is the act of searching intimidating, it is costly. I get that people need to be paid for their work, but I never chose this for myself. Put a search fee in the initial adoption expenses; what’s an extra $400 in the scheme of $30,000 (hey they might even make more money from people who choose to never search). I seriously cannot come to terms with the fact that I have to pay for information about myself. With the internet there is no way I should be charged for someone else to search. I have Google too. (Really, Just give me a name). With help from my search angel, we found my mother in probably 10 hours of searching the internet without a name. With a name it would have taken less than 1. That’s $400/hr. Maybe I should switch careers.

SEARCH FEES

Catholic Charities 

Identifying Information – $400.00

Non-identifying Information – $75.00

 

Christian Family Life Services

Identifying Information – $400.00

Non-identifying Information – $75.00

 

Lutheran Social Services

Identifying Information – $460.00

Non-identifying Information – $110.00

 

The Village Family Service Center

Identifying Information – $460.00

Non-identifying Information – $110.00

 

And here is the real kicker: This stranger can open my file, read the names of my parents, contact them somehow;  Oh, but since paternity wasn’t legally determined they can’t even contact my father-even though he was involved in the adoption-even though he said yes he would like to be contacted.  They now must get my mother’s permission to release her information.  If she says no, I’m done. The end. Sorry you are out $400 AND your birth family, your questions, your missing piece. This is not acceptable. I can’t accept it.  I won’t accept it. Which brings me to the next point.

*some states don’t even have the option of forking out money to the agency who holds their file. They instead have to enter their information into a state mutual registry (which may cost and require counseling). I’m not sure how often people actually find each other through these registries; one misinformation (which happens often in adoption paperwork) can send you down the wrong path and I’m guessing could cause people to miss each other, forever. You can also hire a private investigator, can you see the continual trend: adoptees continually forced to spend money on a choice that was made for them. Totally unfair.

Original Birth Certificate

Original Birth Certificate

  1. Access to original birth certificate by court order only

I could take it to court, but add another $1,000 to pay my lawyer and good luck finding a judge who will say yes to obtaining  my original birth certificate: the legal piece of paper documenting my birth. I have no access to it. My birth mother has no access to it nor was she allowed to keep a copy (good thing since she gave them the information and might do what with it???). My adopted parents have no access to it. Instead, my birth certificate was changed to say that my adopted parents gave birth to me, and my original has been sealed for all time.

I love my adopted parents, but they don’t belong on my birth certificate. They raised me, but they did not conceive, carry or give birth to me. They were not at the hospital. They did not even know I was born until days later. This practice began in the 1930s when being born out of wedlock labeled you illegitimate. They actually stamped it on your birth certificate.  In the 1950’s, birth certificates were available to be seen by anyone.  To avoid stigma, and to keep birth parents away, the states started to seal birth certificates; even keeping them from the adopted persons themselves. These days of stigma and shame are long gone, yet Adult Adoptees still are not given access to their very own information.

When persons seek to change these archaic laws, suddenly the big concern is the privacy of the birth parents. While there may be a few out there who wish to remain a secret, it is quite laughable to me.  Being found can be hard for many, but in states where birth certificate access has been granted to adult adoptees and states have made provision for birth parents to redact their information or ask for no contact only about 1% have done so. We are protecting the 1% while 100% of adoptees (I realize not all adoptees are interested, but there is potential at some point in their life they would)  and 99% of birth parents are searching for answers. If you go online you will find hundreds of websites and registries with families trying to find each other. Some for 30 years, some ready to give up. It’s a true shame.

Many adoptees struggle with identity and value- they do not know their beginning; have never caught glimpse of a face that looks like them;  and often wonder if they were ever loved by their birth mother.  Even if a mother(father) does not want to be found, you cannot convince me the mother’s privacy is more important than the needs of that child she made a choice for. In her new book “Worthy to Be Found” Deanna Shrodes says, “I believe every human being has a right to look into the eyes of the two people they originate from, at least once…..I believe that if you birth a child, it’s the humane thing, the kind thing-yes, the right thing”  even just once.

Beyond that adoption has a ripple effect. It made an impact on the rest of the birth parents’ family: grandparents lost grandchildren, aunts and uncles lost nieces and nephews, cousins lost cousins, siblings lost to each other. Even if a birth mother doesn’t want contact, someone else in her family might.  It will also have an impact on the generations to come from that adopted child. They will never have their true genealogy. It could affect their health and their children’s health. Adopted persons should have access to the identifying information of their birth parents. Then like grown-ups they can navigate contact or relationship or lack thereof.  At the very least they deserve a chance without anyone in the middle.

When my mother was in her 30’s she chose to be adopted by her step-father, and do you know what happened? The state issued a NEW birth certificate and sealed away her original. DID I MENTION SHE WAS IN HER 30’s?!?!?   There is no reason for this! Adoption should not change the information on a birth certificate. Either lines need to be added to include adoption, or adoption certificates need to be issued that have just as much legal value as a birth certificate. This only makes common sense and I can’t figure out why we aren’t doing this already!!!!! Birth certificates are available to people as they study ancestry and genealogy. Amended birth certificates created through adoption have NO indication that this child was adopted and will forever twist the true genealogy of our nation.

When adopted persons turn 18, they should be able to request their original birth certificate just like any other citizen. It really comes down to civil rights. We are being treated differently than the rest of America’s citizens. Slowly, state by state, laws are changing, and the world isn’t ending. Even without changed laws people are reuniting every day thanks to the internet, search angels  and DNA. Reunion is beautiful. Reunion is challenging. It brings up a lot of buried memories and emotions; but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be allowed to happen. It doesn’t mean that the government or adoption agencies get to be the middle man. Let adults be adults.

So many times reunion is denied because a stranger is standing in the middle. And all the stranger can say is I’m sorry, it’s the end.

On Adoption: The Ugly Truth

Adoption can be beautiful. It can also be ugly. What this adoption agency is doing (read the picture if you haven’t already) is ugly and unethical and proves that the adoption industry as it stands is in it for the money and childless couples* (and even they are taken advantage of) and NOT for the well-being of children. You might say this is an extreme example; perhaps, but I doubt it.

Thousands of foster children await a family; and they really need one. But that isn’t where the money is. The money is in the babies; the “blank slates.” Adoption agencies charge thousands of dollars to those so desperately wanting to make a family; have you ever wondered where that money goes? Here’s a super vague budget.   Apparently in some agencies some of it goes to recruit more vulnerable women to give up their babies. What if that money was used to keep families together; supporting young mothers, many of whom see no other option. (this goes for international adoptions as well- how far could $30,000 go to supporting overseas families; international adoption has actually fueled human trafficking in some areas).

And when adoptees grow up- guess what? They have to pay too. They’ve already paid the emotional damage of feeling unloved and unwanted. And now they have to pay cold hard cash to find out who they are and where they came from; with no guarantee of a return on their investment. This is an outrage. Current open adoptions might be set up differently, but millions of adoptees who are now adults have no rights to their own history. Their information locked away in a file and guarded by the court system. A stranger can open up my file, but I can’t.

And newsflash: babies are not blank slates. Our genes and the memories we can’t recall are carried deep within us. And birth mothers do not go on their merry way never looking back, though many try. Adoption is loss. Adoption is gain.

*If you have adopted a child don’t take this personally, or do. Check your motives. Make sure you understand the things your child may be facing, often without the right words to express it or the courage to tell you. Be educated. Support your child. And whatever you do, don’t erase their first family.

Update: this adoption agency was apparently unaware they were breaking state adoption laws and have stopped their referral program thanks to the outcry of many. I’m calling this a win for speaking out and standing up for what’s right.

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She Will Be Happy

A beautiful post from a birthmother’s perspective. My favorite Quote:

I want her to know, I want to scream, that I only wanted her to be happy. It was all I was thinking about. It was all that mattered. I want her to know I am sorry. I am sorry if she ever felt rejected or unloved from the moment she came into this world. I am so sorry. My love, you were never unloved. You were always wanted. Everyday of my life my soul calls for you. And it always will.

Musings of a Birthmom

I just want her to be happy.  That doesn’t mean I want her to be without trials. That doesn’t mean I don’t want her to never feel pain. We grow and learn from pain and trials. But I do want her to be happy. Regardless of all of my wants and desires to have her in my life, if I just knew she was happy then I could find peace. After all, wasn’t it the whole reason I did what I did? I was promised she would be happy. I was promised this because they could give her all of the things that I could not at the time. I was promised happiness for my daughter. I have no peace because I cannot genuinely say, given her history and all that has transpired, that she is happy.  Her actions are not the actions of someone who is happy.  Her behavior…

View original post 738 more words

On Adoption: A Face in the Crowd

3 weeks ago I shared my decision to begin a search for my birth parents. Since then I have been working with a search angel. (A search angel is someone who uses their knowledge of the search process- often an adoptee themselves- to help adoptees in their search. They offer their help for free which makes the term angel so appropriate!) The search angel I am working with has helped me ask the right questions, see the value of the clues I already had, and provided resources and emotional support to help me along the way. I’m so thankful already.

I’m actually so surprised when I look back and see it has only been 3 weeks! After many phone calls, emails, and internet searches, we have actually come a long way! The biggest clue that I had was a club my birth mother belonged to in college. After a few dead ends, I wasn’t sure this would get us anywhere.  Once I found the right person to contact I sent them an email, not sure if they would ever respond.

Two days later I received an email that had group pictures with first and last names of the club from the year my birth mother would have been there! I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. My expectations had been exceeded!!

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I’ve pulled out all of the women’s names, so now I have a list of 60 names with a face to match!! Somewhere in that picture, in that crowd of people, is very likely the face of the woman who gave me life! It’s overwhelming. It’s exciting.

So now we play the game process of elimination! I have a physical description and some facts about her family that will get me started!  For the ones who have Facebook and have a somewhat public profile I’m grateful! I have no idea how people searched before the internet!! It must have been much more cumbersome with many more defeats.

I am heading to my parents this weekend to hopefully find my original adoption paperwork. There will be lots of digging through boxes!! My search angel is certain there will be some more clues there so I’m crossing my fingers that I find it.

I imagine in the near future I will be reaching out making some contact with some of the people on my list. Even if I can’t narrow it down all the way, the other people on the list may remember her.

 

Thank you to all of you have been supportive of me. It means a lot. There are a lot of mixed emotions and feelings I never knew I had. It was not an easy decision to search, and I do not know what the future holds. Whatever comes of this, I know that I need to do it. For me.

Never Stop Loving: a poem for my birth mom

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You gave me away
Like a gift on Christmas Day
Did you think it was the only way?

Did you ever stop loving? 

Secrets locked up
Did I see you close up
Did you think you weren’t enough? 

Did you ever stop loving?

Birthdays have passed
Marriage vows cast
Will I meet you at last? 

Did you ever stop loving? 

I’ve never been mad
Often I was sad 
Will finding me make you glad? 

Did you ever stop loving? 

Whatever the outcome 
No matter what we become 
The truth I can no longer run from 

Never stop loving

On Adoption: Placement Plans

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“In response to the question, ‘I feel I would like to be contacted by my child when she reaches adulthood’ both mother and father answered ‘Yes’ to this question.”

These are the words that are at the very bottom of my adoption papers, underneath all of the basic physical characteristics and hobbies. Under the title: Placement Plans. One word that won’t let me forget. Won’t let me move on.

One thing that may be somewhat unique to my story is that both my birth mother and father were involved in my adoption placement plans. It wasn’t a story of a man unwilling to commit and running off in the wind, leaving my birth mother with no other choice. They were in it together. I’ve honestly never thought deeper into this until right now as I write. Perhaps he was also there when I was born. Holding her hand. Comforting her. Convincing her (and himself) that this was the right choice; for them, for me. Or maybe it was the other way around.

The Placement Plans category also gave me a why statement from my birth mother: “I wanted to finish my schooling before marriage and a family.”

I wonder what happened to them after I was placed for adoption? Were they a fling that went their separate ways? Maybe they stayed together and eventually got married.

For as many answers, there are twice as many more questions. The word “Yes” keeps me coming back, even when I feel like I may never search. These last weeks of writing about my experiences have been very healing for me. People ask all the time if I know, if I’ve ever searched. It’s easy to say no, to try to move on, to forget. I didn’t want to think about it or make a decision. If I never look, there is no risk of being hurt. Or hurting anyone.

But that “Yes” reminds me that it isn’t all about me. Sometimes I justify not searching because I have my information on a webpage and if they just did a google search they could find me. But maybe they are leaving it in my hands. They already said “Yes”- now it’s up to me.